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The Voice of Reason or The Enemy Within

Those thoughts that drive you to distraction or reaction

Have you ever said to yourself “I don’t know why I just did that” or “I cannot believe I just said that” after a lack of concentration, after a squabble or simply when you were “out of your comfort zone”.

You are not alone! Many people lose concentration and even lose control and do or say the wrong things in stressful situations. These situations are often simply our defence mechanisms coming out to protect us when we are vulnerable or not in the right state of mind to be doing the task at hand. 

The problem is, these defence mechanisms are not the best part of our personality to be out in these times. So it’s a matter of making sure you have the right part out at the right time.

“That’s all well and good” I hear you say, “I cannot stop those thoughts”

Let me explain further, part of the answer is something psychologists refer to as self-distancing; a term coined by researchers Ethan Kross and Ozlem Ayduk. What spurred Ethan Kross to investigate the concept in the first place was an act of mindlessness: He accidentally ran a red light. He scolded himself by saying out loud, “Ethan, you idiot!” Referring to himself in the third person made him wonder if there might be something more to this quirk of speech, and if it might represent a method for changing one’s perspective.

The short answer is “yes”. According to Kross, when you think of yourself as another person, it allows you to give yourself more objective, helpful feedback.

As Pamela Weintraub writes in the May issue of Psychology Today:

“By toggling the way we address the self—first person or third—we flip a switch in the cerebral cortex, the center of thought, and another in the amygdala, the seat of fear, moving closer to or further from our sense of self and all its emotional intensity. Gaining psychological distance enables self-control; allowing us to think clearly, perform competently. The language switch also minimizes rumination, a handmaiden of anxiety and depression after we complete a task. Released from negative thoughts, we gain perspective, focus deeply and plan for the future.”

It’s all about being present and instead of reacting to the inner voice, listen to it and actually respond to it internally.

The other part of the answer is about being present (mindful) and having the right part out at the most appropriate time. This can be achieved by getting to know your different internal parts and their names. You may have a part of your sub-conciseness that controls the way you react to certain situations that are inappropriate.

Sometimes these parts do not behave in ways we would like them to behave: “I know I shouldn’t do it, but I just can’t seem to stop myself from checking the locks everyday”, or, “I can’t stop myself from eating sweets”. 

There are many behaviours people can find upsetting, yet cannot seem to stop from doing. Smoking and OCD behaviours are just two from a long list including, gambling, drug & alcohol addictions, cleaning, workaholics, eating disorders, and more. 

As Resource Therapists, we understand that there is an underpinning cause, and that the part of us that is doing the unwanted behaviour is not the cause, rather it is the part of us that is trying to protect us from feeling the bad underlying feelings that are held by another part of us. Feelings that are perceived to be so bad that a protective part of us will do almost anything to prevent us from having to feel them. Even if that ‘something’ is a behaviour that we do not wish to have, like an addiction to smoking or shouting at someone when you are stressed. 

Resource Therapy seeks to bring normality to all of our parts, recognising all parts of us as valuable resources that make us the unique individuals we are. Resource Therapy is a respectful therapeutic theory and practice, which acknowledges and validates the personality’s needs for internal and external health and harmony.

create a better lookout for yourself

In summary

Listen to your inner-voice, use your name in the third person – speak to yourself as if you want to be heard “Paul, do you think this is the right way to act in this situation” by using this simple thought process you may break the mindlessness cycle and be on the road to self discovery and success. 

If, however, you find self-distancing hard to do or you cannot change those “What did I just say or do” moments. Give me a call and we can discuss further options through Resource Therapy Intervention.

Resource Therapy enables treatment interventions that directly address the personality part in need of change, quickly, powerfully and effectively. Issues such as, but not limited to, OCD, depression, addictions, eating disorders and PTSD can be treated and resolved in a fraction of the time spent using most other therapies, including CBT. Resolving the pathology held by a Resource State alleviates the causes of psychological distress, and frees Personality Resources to resume positive functions.Until next time – listen to your inner voice and remember your name 

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Are you coming out tonight? or are you staying in!

For many people the thought of coming out as gay to family, friends and workmates is terrifying. You may have spent many years acting against your true feelings. Hiding your emotions, acting in ways that make you feel an imposter and judging yourself as inferior, are all too common traits for the majority of people struggling with their sexual orientation.

Not only do these feelings inhibit our growth as human beings, they have severe side effects on our overall mental state to. We tend to disassociate ourselves with our true identity, this make life more manageable. It’s like tuning out the background noise on a busy street, you start to lead a double life in essence.

It can be painful to keep significant aspects of our self-hidden or to vigilantly separate aspects of our self from others. Constant hiding creates difficulties in accurately assessing other people’s perceptions of oneself, as well as recognising one’s own strengths. Dissociation’s impact on self-esteem can also make it difficult to feel one’s actual accomplishments as reflections of one’s own abilities. In some extreme cases this disassociated state leads to people becoming gay-haters or even gay-bashers.

Depression, anxiety and social withdrawal are all too common and, in some case, these thoughts of self-worth and disassociated states can lead to suicide.

So, what can I do to come out?

Coming out is the most commonly shared cultural experience that defines modern gay people today. “Coming Out” was an ironic reference to debutantes. Now it has far more reaching implications. 

Years spent “in the closet” can make the prospect of revealing oneself an emotionally charged experience. However, the process is not just about revealing oneself to other, in coming out, gay people integrate, as best they can, their dissociated aspects of themselves. It’s about coming out to one’s self first, being comfortable with how you feel.

Coming out to oneself is a subjective experience of inner recognition. It is a moment that is sometimes charged with excitement and at other times with trepidation. It is a realisation that previously unacceptable feelings or desires are part of one’s self. It is, in part, a verbal process, putting into words previously unarticulated feelings and ideas. Some people describe it as a switch being turned on. “Coming home” or “discovering who I really was” It can be exhilarating to come out in new and faraway places where one is not known to either family or friends. After making such a move, some people may completely (and perhaps disassociate) sever relationships with their past lives and feelings.

Coming out to oneself may be followed by coming out to others. Such revelations are not always greeted with enthusiasm, and fear of rejection often plays a significant role in a person’s decision about who to tell. The majority of the time, family and friends will share your honesty and will be happy for you and the more people you tell people the more support you will receive and the easier it will become.

But I still don’t feel comfortable, what do I do?

Speak to someone who understands your struggle, your closest friend, one of your siblings or even someone who is gay in your network. If you still cannot find anyone in your network of family and friends seek out a gay friendly professional councillor or therapist. A therapis is actually easier to talk to as they will not judge you or make you do anything you are not comfortable with. A therapist’s recognition and respect for individual differences allows multiple possibilities in the coming out process. There is no one single way to come out. A therapist fluent in the process of coming out can point out both obstacles to and inhibitions of the process.

Gay patients face a whole set of decisions unlike anything heterosexuals face. Hiding from oneself depends upon dissociative defences, while coming out to oneself holds the possibility of psychological integration. An implicit value of psychotherapy is that integration is more psychologically meaningful than dissociation.

In Summary,   coming out offers gay people the possibility of integrating a wider range of previously split-off affects and emotions, not just their sexual feelings. Greater ease in expressing yourself, both to you and to others, this can lead to an enormous enrichment of your work and relationships. To many, such activities result in a more productive and enhanced life.

Get in touch with Change Central. Why Change Central? Our therapist Paul truly understands your struggle, having worked with many clients on this subject for many years.

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Trauma the invisible wounds

Trauma, physical, cognitive, behavioural, emotional.
Symptoms of trauma can be described as physical, cognitive (thinking), behavioural (acting the way we do) and emotional.

There is one thing for certain for most of the population, that is, we have all experienced some kind of trauma.

Everyone trauma is different and the degrees of trauma vary, incorporating a type of abuse such as, Physical, Emotional, Spiritual, Psychological, Sexual or Verbal.

Trauma can be classified as – a very frightening or distressing events which may result in a psychological wound or injury.

Trauma can result in difficulty in coping or functioning normally. Everyone’s reaction to potentially traumatic experiences is different. Most people recover well with the help of family and friends and do not experience long-term problems. Some people experience problems directly after the traumatic event or much later in life.

For me I remember grade 3 kids at school teasing me because I had big shoulders. (These days it would be referred to as bullying). I remember feeling very upset and different. There was nothing I could do about my shoulders. I was a swimmer and at that stage was a young swimming champion.

I was already quite shy, but this made me retreat into myself even more and I felt very lonely. Emotionally I was not equipped to deal with this, I was different, I felt that I didn’t fit in and it was traumatic. I was personally attacked; my confidence took a dive and with it, my self worth and esteem.

Then, when I was in my 30s, I was wearing a lovely dress and for the first time in my life, positive comments were made about my shoulders. People making the comments said they had been working out at the gym and wanted shoulders just like mine. “where did you get them” I was asked. “Ahh I was born that way” was my response and turned around and walked away. Not wanting to relive those traumatic bulling moments of my childhood.

This type of emotional response became my way of “dealing with things” withdrawn and feeling worthless. This is how patterns of behaviour and negative responses to certain situations begin.

That’s how trauma works, trauma is effectively a protective instinct (good or bad) that comes out to “shield” us from emotional pain. Symptoms of trauma can be described as physical, cognitive (thinking), behavioural (acting the way we do) and emotional.

  • Physical symptoms can include excessive alertness (always on the look-out for signs of danger), being easily startled, fatigue/exhaustion, disturbed sleep and general aches and pains.
  • Cognitive (thinking) symptoms can include intrusive thoughts and memories of the event, visual images of the event, nightmares, poor concentration and memory, disorientation and confusion.
  • Behavioural symptoms can include avoidance of places or activities that are reminders of the event, social withdrawal and isolation and loss of interest in normal activities.
  • Emotional symptoms can include fear, numbness and detachment, depression, guilt, anger and irritability, anxiety and panic.

Have you ever noticed an adult having a tantrum, they display emotional response just like a 4-year-old. This is because they are reliving the original trauma. Emotionally they are stuck in the original traumatising moment (we call it the initial sensitising event).

We at Change Central understand how trauma happens and with particular therapy, we can teach you how to cut these ties and understand those old emotions and leave them where they should be, back in the past and without those feelings of distress and negative emotions.